My fiancé has two girls (7 and 10), I bring my son (21 months) to our blending family. The wonderful thing about girls is they tend to be naturally nurturing and to see them in action with their soon to be stepbrother has been nothing short of absolutely sweet. I am not going to lie though, there are some challenges, but also great joys in gaining not just 1, but 2 girls. This is not my first rodeo; I have been a “stepmother” of sorts before as well. Honestly, from the first experience, in some ways it prepared me for this. Children are such a gift and promote growth in us in so many ways. However, realizing the difficulty in not growing from the beginning with the children was my real test and I had to learn to find grace in that.
Matthew 18:1-3 “At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, ‘Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?’ And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, ‘Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.”
The unique challenge that I am talking about when you get to watch your child grow and you mature and grow alongside them, you both learn together. You get to grow on the same continuum with their understanding and comprehension of life and gradually day by day learn the ins and outs of them as individuals, thus giving you a solid foundation at each stage in their life. You have been in the practice and upbringing with them, from the beginning. With each passing day, you guys are getting ready for the arena. However, when you step into a child’s life and they are a little older, that practice isn’t quite there on either side. They haven’t seen me in practice and vice versa, but now we are in the arena and are expected to perform together to the best of our ability. Thankfully, we are given so much grace especially when we operate from a place of love. Furthermore, my fiancé too has had the experience of being a stepfather himself, so he was able to provide me so much wisdom from his own experience and was graceful with me when I wasn’t at my best in some moments.
The hardest parts for me have been times where, I have had to be on the receiving end of criticism from what I’ve cooked, been told that I can’t be strict with them because I am too new and when they seemingly mock me. The last one brought me to a realization though, that I was really on a path of growth. I realized that it was hard for me to make the distinguishment from them as “my” children vs. just catty little women. See, if a catty little woman had approached me in such a manner, old me would react but mom and new me says I have to redirect that energy and use it as a way to realize it is not so much about me as it is about them. Just as we don’t choose our parents, neither do they, and coming from a home where I didn’t feel love and each time that I challenged my mom it might have been met with criticism, discipline or even distance, my fiancé reminded me that running away doesn’t help us grow with them. He reminded me that though the older ones have a memory, more often than not they really do recognize all the effort, stability and structure provided and as long as you stick with those things, the moments in between are just very natural.
Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
We got into this because I was reflecting on the mistakes that I knew I would be making learning how to become a parent to my son, I knew that there would be a certain age where those memories would be long gone, and he would have more long-term memories associated with his older years from like 5 and up. However, I had so much fear that at 7 and 10, the girls would remember my every misstep and hold onto that day to day, that I couldn’t recover from it. Then I think about the fact that children are so forgiving of our missteps and perfection just isn’t achievable. You know how they learn this? Through us! I realized this. I don’t think my childhood was given a ton of grace. If I messed up once, my mother would hold onto it, she would still love me, but continue to bring it up over and over again and guilt me into submission. However, I wouldn’t submit I instead rebelled. Not even God would continue to guilt us.
Our children are always trying to please us, so when they have a moment of “failure”, to admonish them is to set them back and not give them the confidence they need to grow. Any who, I realized that the way they show me grace, is by me giving them grace. Some old school parenting styles held these unhealthy unconscious ways of parenting, treating you as though you have no wisdom but every day the girls teach me something new about how I respond, how I can grow and give me an opportunity to grow with them. I realized I was putting so much pressure on myself to be a defined role for them but in the end, especially with where I am in my life, I realize this is an opportunity to use what I have learned in my own personal arena of life and lessons, spending time in the Word and using this all to really just lean in and love them the way Jesus loves his children. Not only that, seeing the way they love on my son just shows me the way we are meant to be with one another, regardless of role in the family. This doesn’t take away from the fact that there is a level of obedience in child rearing as there is with walking with Jesus; the Bible even mentions this.
Proverbs 1:8-9 “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.”
Ephesians 6 1:3 “1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. 2 Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; 3 That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.
However, we do need to honor their whole being. Aside from these challenges, there is so much Joy in receiving 2 amazing stepdaughters. They want to do things with me alone, play with my hair, wear my clothes, hear my stories, snuggle, watch movies together and really, they are such a great deal of fun. They are so happy to have me in their lives calling me “mama E” and such. It’s the sweetest thing to me and I am so happy to be this to them. We only get them for the summers and this being my first, I get a chance to really embrace this, reflect and prepare for the next go around. While my fiancé gets to be an amazing live-in father to E, while E is still blessed to also have his biological dad, this blended family life really has been such a joy to see and honestly, I couldn’t ask for more incredible bonus daughters. Its been so fun to see them grow in the short time I have known them and for them to even reference the little lessons I have shared them along the way. Below are just a few pics to let you into our world. More to come! Our wedding is in two weeks, I just can’t wait to make this official!
