All motherhood journey’s come with their own unique challenges, and opportunities. There are different dynamics that work for every family, and for ours when my step-daughters are in tow, I had to rethink my methods. We are expecting an “ours” baby, and I already have a child from a previous relationship. I am thankful for the healthy co-parenting dynamic I have created with my son’s bio dad and how my husband integrates well into that scenario too. However, not all dynamics will have the same outcome. I learned quickly that I was going to be subject to a High Conflict other parent, with their Bio Mom. Without disclosing details, this type of person has attempted to make the relationship between his bio-kids and myself, difficult. This has resulted in me making a decision to change the way I play my role in our relationship. I am still a mother and whether or not the other side wants to see or acknowledge that, that fact does not change, I am. However, how I operate as that in his daughter’s lives, is not dictated by either title’s (mom or stepmom–no rules of engagement). I get to be whatever they need me to be, not what the marriage title brings. This is something that brings me peace.
My hubby and I had high expectations about what this could look like. One summer, Christmas Break and the aftermath of their return home with falsehoods stated and or conveyed was enough to make me say, “I’m good”. That said, it is not in my best interest to try to change anyone’s mind and really better to just be who I am stay clear of the drama. Drama isn’t what I do, I am too old for that and have a life that I love. Having my own bio children to think about makes this easier too. I will admit, if I didn’t have children of my own, this might be more difficult. However, my priorities are in order and there is plenty of love flowing in my day-to-day life with my child, village and community. My life’s responsibilities are plentiful and dipping my toes into that madness or trying to be seen differently by everyone…not me. Not a people pleaser here.
Initially, it wasn’t too tough to navigate this scenario. This was not my first rodeo having already been in a relationship many years prior with a man with children. The difference this time was the type of parent I was dealing with. In previous relationships, the Bio Mom was mature. Even in my current situation, my Sons Fathers girlfriend and I are cool. We actually enjoy talking about life things and bonding over my son. Maturity and the ability to get over your own feelings about anything, helps these situations along. Everyone can’t be there, and some will take time to get there. This inevitably will impact your relationship with your non-bio kids, whether you like it or not.
I felt shame admitting it to myself and my partner that the dynamic would be different going forward. Unfortunately, the residual toxic energy that exists between his co-parent has infiltrated the hearts of his girls. That can be hard to see, especially when first time around we hit it off so well. With another baby on the way, protecting my mental health and energy became of the utmost importance. It was not worth me trying to break down a brick wall to become something to them that already existed. They already had a mom and no matter what form she came in, she still existed. What was in my power, though, was to be who I am to my friends, to my nieces, and to community, to them. To let them into the beautiful energy that I allow to flow in all my relationships, without this expectation that I had to raise them a certain way. I already carry certain roles in life that make me a leader and a role model, and this is something they can benefit from should they choose to.
There is a lot of pressure on Stepmoms, because mothers in general are the nurturer. So, when you take on another person’s child, there is an individual expectation that you will be the nurturer there too. However, this is where I learned quickly that Nacho-ing was for me.
“Correction without connection breeds contempt”
I learned the above to be true when I was vilified by bio mom for asking my SD not to kick my car seat. 🙂
Tips for Nacho Parenting from the website:
- Treat the stepkid as you would a friend’s kid.
- Allow the bio parent to parent their own kid as they deem fit.
- Do not engage in negative and unhealthy interactions with the stepkids.
- Say nothing about, or to, the stepkids unless it’s sheer praise.
- Remove the target off your back and no longer be the “bad guy.”
Learn more here, highly recommended: Podcast – Nacho Kids
This approach, thus far from a distance, has helped me to healthily detach from expectations to be a “parent” to his girls, when I already have my own to raise up. Them also already being adolescents SD8 and SD11, mean they have a few years behind them that have really shaped them into who they are. They are still growing up and by employing the methods above, I don’t try to undo or redo that which they are. They are who they are, and I stepped in when I did. It is not my job to replace someone they already have. I am here to ensure my husband can have the best relationship with his girls and facilitate that in the healthiest ways I can, while simultaneously preserving and protecting my children from that which is a result of their other home. Being myself, I will either be the example they need, want or desire, should they choose. We all have people we look up to in life, that are just themselves.
That being said, there is a freedom in releasing the expectations both my partner and I had on what blending our family would look like. I do the same things for them, that I do for my own from respecting them, to taking them out, to loving them and making sure they are well cared for. When they need me, I am there. What I am not though is a doormat, disciplinarian and other things from the list above. I am also certainly not a victim. I chose this family, whether or not they choose me. Boundaries are okay and the sooner everyone learns that the better. Being your own victor is getting ahead of problems before they arise, coaching yourself to a better outcome and becoming wise in how you move. I recommend people listen to their hearts when it comes to what you think will ensure you don’t become resentful and find what works best for you. I can see clearly as a mother to my children, where I am needed as another human being to them and my husband can do what he needs to do and parent, while I too carry my weight for mine and ours.
Another highly recommended podcast: The KICK-ASS Stepmom Podcast hosted by Jamie Scrimgeour
I love this!
Would ground rules and boundries have to be set since day one?
It’s so sad that in today’s society a step parent has been made to be the bad guy since day one. The other “Bio” parent build this wall but in my opinion it takes a village to raise kids and the more help the better.
Hi Ash!
Thanks for your comment. Honestly, they don’t have to be set on day one because I think a lot of us aren’t even there just yet. With our emotions getting in the way, it can cloud our judgement. However, it should be a goal for day one. That said, I totally agree with step-parents being made to be “the bad guy”. Nacho-ing has bared fruit in our situation for sure. By being in the kids lives in a different way, has really helped our relationship in more than one way. I think the bio parent in many ways too, has appreciated this approach from me, while never said exclusive, their interactions have seemingly been less drama with the bio dad. So I assume whatever resentment was held because they felt they were trying to be “replaced” is now overshadowed by me being for nothing more than “just here to help”.