This book was life changing. Let me start off by saying that this isn’t a judgment of my parents as much as it is a realization that we are all flawed and can stand to grow in one way or another. Having said that, my mother was 33 when she had me. When I think about where I am from an emotional maturity standpoint at 33, I am still constantly learning. She did the best she could raising me with what she knew at the time. Having said that, I wanted to attempt to give my son the experience of a mother who was emotionally mature enough to show up for him and meet his emotional needs, in a way I felt mine were not fully met.
In order to do that I needed to understand what emotional maturity looked like, and what it didn’t. Our initial responses to life’s frustrations and setbacks are result of patterns of responding we either learned from childhood or from doing the psychological work to choose a different response. I decided that this book along with an analysis of the culmination of my life experiences were a great addition to knowing how to become more emotionally mature. Further, this book is a great guide to understanding how to respond maturely in ALL areas of your life from our least to most intimate relationships across the spectrum. You can find the book here.
I came across an article recently that discussed the changing dynamics of how children perceive satisfaction from their childhood no longer on the basis of just physical security, but more so emotional security and happiness. “Never before have family relationships been seen as so interwoven with the search for personal growth, the pursuit of happiness, and the need to confront and overcome psychological obstacles”…” , This was something that I identified with prior to even coming across the article.
A few tidbits from the book that resonated with me and really challenged me to continue my pursuit towards greater emotional maturity and awareness of how I emotionally respond to what life throws my way…
“While effort is needed to maintain communication and connection in a relationship, it shouldn’t feel like constant, unrewarding work.” (pp, 17).
In this section, it discussed intuition and how it’s easy to feel guilty for asking for something in our relationships as adults, that we were shamed for asking for as children. It dives into recognition that relationships are emotional, and that emotional intimacy is an instinctual need we should have the confidence in requesting in our adult relationships, though we might have been met with parental rejection of those needs.
We all have a natural desire to not only feel loved, but also special and that is not selfish.
“Some intelligent, resilient people somehow manifest the confidence to pursue good careers and reach high levels of achievement…despite creating a fulfilling adult life, inside she remains vulnerable to anxieties about being alone and unsupported.” (pp 21-23).
This section discusses how for some, childhood loneliness becomes the fuel to which they create fulfilling adult relationships that are emotionally rewarding. However, beneath the surface, it can feel as though emotional connection is still missing because the self-confidence isn’t always readily available that provides the confidence that one has actually found emotionally rewarding relationships .
The book went on to define All Levels of Emotional Maturity to what Emotional Immaturity shows up as, Infant Attachment styles, Enmeshment, Self-Care and how breakdowns can give us an opportunity to awaken to our True-Self and what that person needs. Ultimately, upon finishing this book I felt that it was okay to look outside of myself and to my relationships to provide a sense of fulfillment beyond my own self-love, if that makes sense. I am not saying this book says that people will fulfill all of your emotional needs, but when you grew up with a secure attachment style, you understand the value of having people around you that are able to express their emotional selves, understand and be there for you in the way that you need them to, without feeling guilty about doing so.
This book and The Conscious Parent complimented each other in helping me understand how important it is to be fully present as a mother, to my sons needs. I think it goes without saying he comes first, but understanding what that looks like, doing my best to give him the experience of a balanced mother can stop, be present always and ready to understand and fulfill his emotional needs so he goes on with confidence in the world understanding that level of connection does exist.
Overall, I would say this book brought many of the issues I hadn’t fully been able to comprehend on the emotional spectrum, full circle, and gave me permission to express myself to those I needed to and pursue more emotionally intimate connection where I felt lack.
My Rating: 5/5
