I’m currently expecting my first child. I’m also single.
After the father made the abrupt decision to leave the relationship, I accepted my new reality as a single mother and the idea of co-parenting. It wasn’t something I was new to. In a previous relationship with someone who had two kids of his own, this was a word I had to become familiar with and learn to navigate boundaries or lack thereof. Back then, I was clear on what co-parenting should look like. They didn’t need to be best friends and know every detail about each other’s lives. The focus should be on the kids and anything beyond that was moot.
Fast forward to the present. After my current ex and I went our separate ways, I decided to do some research. I wanted to see what was the best way to co-parent and ensure your child grows up happy and healthy despite having a parent who wouldn’t be there most of the time. Initially the pain I felt from the breakup didn’t even allow me to entertain the idea of having him involved in my child’s life without there being some type of romantic relationship. But I began to understand that we must go through the gambit of emotions to come to something that works for us and allows us to be fully accountable for the outcome. It is part of the healing process and much healthier than repressing your emotions and making permanent decisions without much thought.
I know people generally mean well when they attempt to tell you what they think is best for you. But more often than not, they can be ignorant of your circumstances or have no real experience themselves. In my case, the last thing I wanted to do was be besties with my child’s father. I would come across various forms of literature on co-parenting that seem to encourage a friendly bond, backed by photos of exes sitting happily side by side or even vacationing together further lauded by commenters exclaiming, “This is what it should look like!” This was a lot to take in and I found myself questioning whether I’d be doing the right thing by not going down that path. When I don’t get quiet enough and sit still with myself, I am vulnerable to the opinions and ideas of others without consideration for what actually feels right for me.
For a brief moment I conceded to the mandate, “we have to be friends for the kid”, but then came across this article on Scary Mommy. The author talks about how there’s nothing wrong with keeping things “100% business” which brought a huge sense of relief. I felt less alone in what eventually would become my philosophy towards co-parenting. A friendship is an intimate experience where you share parts of yourself with people you have genuine affection for. I remember my ex outright saying that if it weren’t for the fact that we were having a baby, we wouldn’t be talking to each other at all. It was harsh, but it made me realize that we had no friendship to fallback on therefore, we did not need to “be friends for the kid”.
My ability to raise my child alone will not be affected by whether or not I know intimate details of my ex’s life and vice versa. We are living in an overly share-y society as it is, and I don’t believe any good has ever come out of anything being forced. Whether that is a failing relationship you try to save, or getting someone to be involved in decisions that affect their offspring when they show an obvious lack of interest. Taking in the reality of my situation helped me to see what co-parenting would look like for me. And not surprisingly, that definition was true to my initial opinion before I ever thought I would have to use this word in my vocabulary as part of my own story. We can be civil and discuss and make important decisions but we do not need to be friends.
I congratulate those who are able to make a friendship work. But I also want people to know that there is no shame in maintaining a civil and healthy relationship strictly about your child with the other parent, thats okay too. Especially in my case where the father chose not to be involved since the beginning of my pregnancy. You don’t have to feel guilty for not being the “consciously uncoupling” type, nor do you have to make yourself uncomfortable and put yourself in a vulnerable position to be friends with someone who wouldn’t save you if you were drowning. No shame at all. Develop and demonstrate healthy relationships elsewhere.
My son will always have two families, should his father decide to be involved. Even so, I refuse to paint a picture of a “we” that includes me and his father together. He will know I loved his father and that I am so grateful that he exists through the love I had for him. Still, there are consequences to how people treat you, and I can only continue creating the best life for myself and my child without holding onto false hope or creating a picture of a family drawn on white paper with a white pencil. It just doesn’t exist.
