When my ex and I truly moved on, boundaries had to exist. If you read a previous blog post I had written, you’ll see that co-parenting looks different for everyone. Without rehashing that out, I think the way I was truly able to move forward emotionally and get on with my life without the attachment of viewing my sons father from a hurtful place was to create and stick with boundaries.
There are a few ways we’ve achieved this and some missteps I would recommend being addressed a different way after reading Out-Of-Wedlock. I realize that there can be a danger in being too unreachable to the other parent, especially in an emergency.
After we had broken up for the second time, things had to change not just to protect my feelings but to also create consistency for my sons life. Before we had tried again, we made sure to use email exchanges for important and potentially legal matters. We went back to that and stuck with it. One thing I did immediately was blocked his number. This was a misstep for my specific situation. There was no dangerous situation, except for my misplaced anger and frustration. I eventually unblocked but we don’t communicate there unless to send pics of our child and in the event there is an emergency. It was important for me to do this while I regulated my emotions but in the long run wasn’t necessary for us since we had gotten used to email communication. When you are facing a potential legal battle, assume everything you say can and will be used against you. This is why email was imperitave.
I made it clear I wanted our communication to centralize around our son, anything beyond that would seemingly compromise the boundaries I was looking to create. For some, having regular and ongoing communication works. However I carry a personal belief that when we are operating in such a capacity no matter the level of maturity, it becomes difficult to move on emotionally due to remaining interconnected in each other’s every day lives.
The benefit of being in a relationship should not follow after said relationship has ended. Otherwise, I’d be questioning deeply why we can’t make it work. So we’re compatible enough to be besties, but not to raise children together that we both had an active role in creating?
To me, the only way change comes about for either or both, even the smallest of changes, is to have enough emotional distance and boundaries as to not make a gray area. Holding onto the past and using the child as a reason to stay in touch is toxic. My child’s father and I dated briefly and all bets were off, but when that ended, the parenting plan we had created would be the default and we swiftly worked to make it legal. If your coparent can indeed communicate healthily with you, use that for the benefit of the child. That’s what we did. Any and all communication would centralize on our son. We stuck to our parenting plan and parenting schedule. Any deviation would be discussed and just like a business relationship, we talked about how to avoid it in the future and what actions we would take if it happened again. If you are sharing your child for 50% or less, flexibility will have to exist. However, even that should be discussed in advanced. Pop culture does a good job at romanticizing coparenting relationships, but it’s not all beautiful and if you let your guard down or don’t have clear boundaries there is a great chance that could impact either of you negatively.
Ultimately, you know your coparent and self best. You have to operate accordingly on that wisdom. There is no harm in not following the popular ideals that are put out there, when it comes to coparenting. It didn’t work for a reason, so even when it’s good it’s best to be reminded that boundaries exist for a reason and it’s wise to not cross them on either end.
