Many people have heard of the 4th trimester. This is the 12 weeks following the birth of your child where you adjust to being a parent and your child adjusts to life outside of the womb. This is an emotional and physical adjustment for both. The 5th trimester though, the one where you adjust to being away from your child after being together 24/7…where you also put on an armor of bravery to hold yourself together…that is tough.
I knew I was going to have to go back to work but I didn’t realize how emotional, difficult and lonely it would feel.
I am absolutely grateful for the fact that the pandemic has allowed us to work from home. However, being home without my son rolling around the floor or swinging, or doing tummy time, playing with his wooden gym, or just being, was painful. Going back to work we usually leave our environment and are able to separate the two. However, I dropped my son off at daycare only to return to my empty home where I was reminded every second of the day he was not there.
Outside of the loneliness aspect, I had to adjust to setting new boundaries. As a single mom, I really have to be at the top of my game health wise, mentally and emotionally so that when I show up for work I’m present and able to 100% give my all. The immediacy of doing so after being a mom 24/7 was hard, but not as difficult as I had anticipated. Staying busy at work actually served as a great distraction.
Then the reality of it all was my son was going to embark on a new journey of his own, one that included his own friends, other caregivers he would come to love and mommy was not ready for that! His daycare sent updates and pics throughout the day and I appreciated it…until he had his 1st time in the snow without me.
I was so excited to imagine all these firsts we would have together, including introducing him to snow. Then it happened without me and it sent me into a sadness. I realized on day one of the 5th trimester, I couldn’t emotionally deal with this adjustment alone.
Below are some things I did and am doing to adjust in this 5th trimester.
1. Seek Counseling and Support
Other full time parents, and counselors or therapists really understand what you are dealing with. I solicited the help of a counselor and am grateful for it. Together we came up with some specific goals to ensure I was making progress through this transition. Writing all my thoughts in the morning also known as The Morning Pages, from The Artists Way, helped me take out the trash.
2. Connect!
I relied heavily on my social network to remind me of my life outside of motherhood. This could be as simple as a video chat, or lunch with a friend. Make the most of your connections outside of motherhood and use this as an opportunity to learn more about others. When we aren’t so absorbed in our own world it can become a good kind of quiet. Ask how others are doing and listen, be a good ear and a good friend.
3. Get “You” Time In
Dealing with postpartum hypertension, it was necessary that I exercised. However as a full time caregiver I never really found that time. I could easily blog with baby boy nursing or playing, but finding time to consistently exercise was just hard. I was able to build that into my routine while he was at daycare and it felt good to do something healthy for myself. Not to mention, us rolling around and playing on the floor all day wasn’t happening as much anymore.
4. Give Yourself Time
I didn’t jump right back into a full time schedule. I had to ease into it. The first day I didn’t work. I used it to run errands and deal with this huge adjustment. Then I gradually increased my hours.
5. Know That Your are Doing a Good Thing
It is easy to feel like you should leave the workforce altogether. In 2020, women in the workforce’s rates were back down to that of the 1980s! As a senior leader myself, and a woman who has been climbing the career ladder I knew that continuing to do so would only be a benefit for our little family. I can still be both a provider and a mama! I also have the chance to set the tone for generations to come or at least lead by example to my son of what hard work can also look like.
When I drop my son off to daycare it’s still hard. However, he loves his teachers and they love him. It’s evident in the smiles of the photos they take of him at daycare. It’s evident during pickup when he smiles as he talks to them. Seeing the other baby friends there is also comforting to me. I know he’s got little buddies to keep him company. I know they find ways to entertain each at their baby level and that also brings me joy. He exists now not only outside of the womb, but outside of the home and that’s where his existence in life will also mostly be. Our together time is made that much richer as I am also filling my cup and pouring in his from the overflow at the end of the day and on the days I do have him.
One thing will always remain, that I am his mother. So even though he is out there in the big wide world now, his home will always be in my heart.
Happy Valentines Day, my Forever Valentine!
