My spiritual journey has been filled with many questions; highs and lows. I’d never say that I identified as an Atheist but I would say moreso, a skeptic. Always knowing there was something bigger than me, greater than me…calling it God, The Universe, or Spirit. Wanting to go to church but going and seeing how people praise and worship, feeling like I didn’t belong. Why couldn’t I be as showy? This turned me away from the church and nearly away from God as a whole. Not because my beliefs or lackthereof, but I didn’t feel…chosen.
I went to about 6 different churches in the past decade all at various times. They all offered something different. One was a Baptist, another Non-Denominational, the other believed in God as a Woman and the final three before I would settle on my church home were Christian churches. Two of those three the pastors or someone from the church promised to reach out as I was new. When that didn’t happen, I felt like I did not belong. The final church that chose me and that I chose gave me all the things I was looking for physically in a church and church community. Now, finding a church doesn’t replace building a personal relationship with God. That’s something I’ve been doing or trying to do for a long time. However, finding a place that allowed me to feel doubt, ask questions, clarify, be imperfect but still feel welcomed with all of those traits was leaving me to give up my search altogether.
This was also compounded by the religious communities that I grew up watching say or do things that always stayed in the back of my mind that I wanted no association with. When anyone would try to tell me to go to church but I would see their spirit in action, the judge in me which I’ve had to release would say…but what has it down for you?
I know terrible thoughts, but honesty is where I’m at.
On my time and at my pace I decided to go back to church and what matters most is beyond the personal relationship I have with God, I’m now able to worship along side others. They also offer something called Alpha sessions which allow for us to get together in group, focus on a topic, get to know each other and ask questions. It’s never felt better to be part of a community again and truly feels like how it was growing up in California for me. A long time coming! I feel accepted.
My first Alpha session, I honestly admitted to my pastor and the group that I didn’t truly know how to pray. Yes I’m speaking to God directly but it’s through Jesus Christ that I’m able to reach him using the Holy Spirit to communicate, at least that’s how I understand it now. I realized finding a Church home was a very personal journey. I value my personal community, but I value separation in my various facets of life. I have my personal friendships and then I have my work community, then there is my church community. That’s important to me because oftentimes in life when everyone and everything are too commingled, one spoiled fruit can spoil the bunch or the experience, in my experience. You need to have space and things exclusively for you and/or your family. While I appreciate everyone along the journey or part of my journey, I appreciate that I’ve had the ability to go and choose what works for me. I’m eternally grateful for my friend Catherine that in my time of need making the decision to go back, gave me the space and extra push I needed to just do it.
I’ve had a lot of fun diving into the Bible, learning about the books and even how to read the Bible. This was not something I was able to do with all the prior distractions I had going on before. Relationships, social media, loophole of news and reading leisure books while I knew I was yearning for something deeper. The more I read the Bible, the more it feels like the ultimate self help book to me. Even more so, having a Bible verse come to me dead in my sleep was as though God was speaking directly to me. I was struggling with forgiving my sons father. However at 2:45am one morning Matthew 18:22 came to me.
Matthew 18:22. Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee Which is as if he had said, observe what I am about to say, I do not agree to what thou sayest to fix the number, “until seven times only”, but until seventy times seven; a certain number for an uncertain, see ( Genesis 4:24) . Christ’s meaning is, that a man should be all the days, and every day of his life, forgiving those that sin against him, as often as they repent and acknowledge their fault; and that no time is to be set for the exercise of the grace of forgiveness; but as often as there are objects and occasions, though ever so many and frequent, it should be used; and which he illustrates by the following parable.
This message allowed me to go through my final stages of grieving.
I pray no matter where you are on spiritual journey, you find what works for you. I’ve found allowing God to lead that divine decision will ultimately allow for what’s for you, to show up when you’re ready. I’m not 100% confident in what I know or don’t know, I can’t speak like a seasoned woman of faith can, but I can say I’m learning. This journey is about me and my relationship with God through Jesus Christ, nothing else. How I continue to get there, will be unfolding but I’m wholeheartedly grateful that I’m here now.
