When my ex came back around, I knew it was for a reason. That reason was different than what I thought. If you have ever paid attention to Enneagram, this 10 year on and off again cycle with my now ex-fiancé had Enneagram 6w5 written all over it. A 6 is a Loyalist or otherwise known as a Loyal Skeptic. Seeking security and stability above all else, but often staying too long places they shouldn’t.
Type Six in Brief
The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent “troubleshooters,” they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.
- Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance
- Basic Desire: To have security and support
- Enneagram Six with a Five-Wing: “The Defender”
Key Motivations: Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity. Source: Type Six — The Enneagram Institute
This relationship kept circling back into my life and I could never understand why, until this last time. With the help of a therapist and some deep soul digging, ultimately it was a should vs. not. I should be in love with you, but I am not. I love you, but not in the way you want or deserve. What was true for me, wasn’t true for him. It came down to a misalignment in compatibility and always has…like mixing water and oil. On the surface, they appear to be similar, until you mix them and realize they will forever remain opposing forces. My ex is a good man, with a heart of gold. I will never take that from him, but there is a long list of reasons why it never worked in the past and why not even a ring was going to change that. I have seen it; we have all seen and even heard of it…people believing someone can change when the pressure is on. However, entering a relationship and a lifetime union has to be based on the person they are today, otherwise you are just gambling on a wish. Everyone would rally behind me when I shared how good a man he is, and that I should go for it. A few saw the writing on the wall, but supported me nonetheless. Some even admitting their jealousy for the sweet things he did for me that their partner didn’t do for them. Here is the thing, they didn’t have to live with him, I did. This also taught me a great life lesson, withhold the good and bad about your mate because no one can ever understand the dynamics and innerworkings of your relationship, but you two.
I so badly wanted to look past everything and tried hard to, but it was impossible. If you are irked by the same ish over and over from day one, it won’t change. I listened to a podcast recently and you would have thought the guest was speaking about me. The podcast is called Expanded by To Be Magnetic and the episode is 183. Here, they were discussing Why Tests Mean Your Manifestation Is Close.
Essentially, “if you don’t honor your full self and all of your needs, you are not just limiting yourself and you’re not protecting the other person either, you’re actually limiting them as well because what could happen is if you say “you know what for my needs, I need someone who is ambitious” and you go after that, yes that may sting, that may hurt its an ending of that relationship but that could be the impetus they need to follow their own path and their own journey and what brings them the most joy…never feel you need to dim your desires for someone else…because you living your truth is going to help inspire other people”.
Now my decision was already made before even hearing this podcast, but it felt like divine confirmation. We had a lot of struggles around ambition, intellect and many things that I find extremely important, but he did not. Add to that a lack of stability that eroded right after we got engaged and it overshadowed everything he was “promising” to provide me. Love is and was not enough. I had a strong cognitive dissonance about this relationship. I was always going back in forth in my head, reading articles, watching videos, doing any and everything I could to convince myself to see it differently.
It is why I said yes. The many things he was able to provide emotionally from a fundamental standpoint were rich. He was safe. However, we all have different needs and the emotional and fun guy that I enjoyed for years just wasn’t a match for where I am today. We held onto the memories, which were good but some bad, and having that history made it seem all the more pertinent to make this next step. Truly, I thought making this next step would prove to evoke something that hadn’t arisen before. It didn’t. It was more of the same and I just outgrew it.
Being in the relationship with him actually made me realize how much I enjoyed being alone. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever want a partner, it just meant that I admired my time more than our time. When the person is right, that really isn’t a thing. I mean, when you don’t want to do anything with that person, that is a feeling you have to pay attention to. Yes, in all relationships individual time is important and necessary, but you have to enjoy being a couple too. These days where a lot of women are carrying their own weight as providers for their family, they no longer seek the man to just be a provider, she is providing all on her own. Yes, I would’ve loved if I could’ve pursued my passions independent of working or be a stay-at-home mom, but life didn’t work out for me that way and I surely evolved right along with it. However, I digress…
I was a proponent for second chances and “if it comes back its yours”. It was flawed thinking really and a way for me to justify trying again and again and over and over on something that never really worked. I realized though that its purpose was served, and he and I have discussed that. We have consciously uncoupled, yes that is a thing. Before, we would be abrupt, fight and be dismissive and extremely hurtful. This time we tried (or at least I tried–yes feelings were hurt) to spare the unnecessary dramatic endings that were part of our long history. We both knew there was a reason we kept coming back to each other, but I finally understood it differently than he did. I was able to accept that I offered him something different than what he has known in his life and he did the same for me. He showed me that good and caring men exist. Other exes have showed me different things too, but that piece was somewhat lacking in other romantic partnerships I had. It’s like a puzzle, fragments have been along the way and I have fundamentally seen now how all the mechanics work in the partner that I want to manifest in the future, I have just yet to see the whole. However, I was still of the belief that I won’t get exactly what I want. There are many opinions on this and everyone is entitled to them.
Circling back to the podcast, something she had said resonated deeply regarding a friend and how she felt mulling over a relationship “If I let this relationship go, what if I never find something as good as this again”. I had the belief that no man could ever love me as hard as he had, romantically. However, when you start to do soul work and go the therapy, once you realize and correct unhealthy patterns in yourself, you might see them in others as well. An example would be that you might pick up on something like they are loving you from a deficit and not a healthy place, especially if wrong treatment was there.
Until we get what we desire, all relationships will offer us tests. They call these bridge tests. These challenge you to pass a test and trust the outcome. I attract these bridge experiences, which I now realize are bringing me closer to my manifestation, but I won’t connect with that person, until I am able to unblock and create boundaries around what I don’t want. It did help me further along my path and I know for certain he learned something here too. I am always of the idea that there are no mistakes, just lessons. Ego is why we hurt; we are human. I have learned to look at heartbreaks and missteps as just that, lessons bringing me closer to what I want while learning what I don’t. As shameful and embarrassing as this whole situation is, learning not to be a slave to others’ judgments is my salvation. This is why I write, to show grace in the journey of life.
Rebecca Lynne Pope said it best “I am not ashamed to admit I desire a life partner. Thats something extremely important to me. Yes I’m fine on my own and yes, I love myself. Operating in self-love, doesn’t mean you can’t be in a relationship while evolving. We never stop growing. We’d be waiting forever for love.” I admire what she said because it speaks to giving things a chance. While I admit, the last two relationships have given me enough pause to take an intentional break from pursing partnership, I don’t declare myself defective or not wanting a partner. I just however am shifting my focus to different things while I work out the kinks that got me here.
With that said, this is equivalent to another chapter in my book of life, and I look forward to Part II.
