Recently I did a post on what it was like to have the father wound healed. My mother recently visited me for my sons 1st birthday. It was the first time my partner met her and it was the first time my son met her. I used to cry after she would come to visit from the pain and realization of not having to me what felt like, a mother in the true sense. People will define what it means to be a mother in various ways, the way I defined it was very close to how it is defined on the Hello Motherhood blog.
“The meaning of being a mother is virtually endless. A mother is a protector, disciplinarian and friend. A mother is a selfless, loving human who must sacrifice many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children. A mother works hard to make sure their child is equipped with the knowledge, skills and abilities to make it as a competent human being.”
Not to say that my mother wasn’t a few of these things or didn’t carry a few of these traits at various times in my life, but for the most part the most critical part of this definition has always been missing “loving human who must sacrifice many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children.” When I think of motherhood this is what I think of first. Mostly because you want your child to feel loved as this helps them with feeling confident and secure. During most of my childhood and well into adulthood, my mother demonstrated a selfish and self-absorbed mentality which always took over and didn’t allow me to ever really know what a nurturing mother felt like. Simple things were missing often due to fulfilling her own desires, first and always. Individuals who suffer from NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder will naturally struggle with this, I imagine. Often a performative relationship with her, my whole life up until this point, to her I was more of an extension of her than thought of as my own person. Its impact as of late is non-existence as I found my own adult voice. After my son was born, she would call him her own perhaps out of joy and fun, but it wasn’t appropriate. Boundaries were consistently tested and crossed in my personal relationships, by her. Witnessing her as a grandmother, it only solidified what I knew to be true. This was her nature.
This visit was different though. Most visits in the past I had the protection of my older sister there to act as a barrier when me and my mother would clash. I refused to allow my son or my partner to be that and met each challenge head on. The challenges in the past would leave me emotionally bankrupt, being reminded each and every time that I was still hurt about who she wasn’t, while simultaneously yearning for who I wished her to be. I used to shrink in my mothers presence as an adult, physically escaping in my own house that I bought during her visits to my bedroom, much like a little girl. I would go weeks without talking to her often to avoid the mental and emotional turmoil that was caused after an encounter that would further highlight this non-existent relationship. A few incidents made it clear I crossed into a new level of maturity and had an awakening that allowed me to see her and our relationship for what it was, non-existent and superficial. This awareness left me appalled, but at the same time made me feel like I could actually breathe once she had left. I was able to see that I both respected and loved my mother for giving me life and a childhood that showed me great independence as I mentioned I learned from raising myself. Never wanting to return home made me hustle harder, think smarter, take calculated risks, and ultimately learn to rely completely on myself. All of this was a gift. I used to think it crippled me in relationships, but realized it became my strength for the right men who could appreciate a woman able to stand on her own two feet. I was humbled and grounded by seemingly creating a way for myself.
Having the motherhood wound healed meant less tears. It has provided me the ability to connect with other women on a real and deep level, not a superficial one. Prior to this, I struggled with gossip and with being a bad friend. Don’t get me wrong, I am not in touch with those I care for nearly as much as I wish, but when I do connect it is meaningful and far from superficial. I don’t have time for superficial anything, when my first example was filled with superficial everything. It has allowed me to be honest with myself, others and made me realize the definition of grown. You know when your parents address you as though you are a child, yet you are a full on adult and you get agitated and perhaps even erupt in anger? This grown woman could now simply profess, “you are talking to a grown woman, please remember that before you continue”. I became boundary driven and stood up for myself with everyone. Actions aligned too. The patronizing comments go in one ear and out the other. It became evident that I might have even outgrown my mother…I say this in the sense of grown past the immature behaviors she would throw my way to which I would easily get caught in that web and act accordingly. I can pick up the phone and no longer feel a need to hide.
Having the motherhood wound healed feels like peace. It says I don’t have a thing to prove to you any more. It says “okay” to the snarky remarks and knows how to conceal, deflect and carry on. It knows how to share without giving all, it feels no guilt because you realize you can not please a person who can not see past themselves. It calls a spade a spade and doesn’t try to paint a different picture. It no longer seeks help or a bandage to compensate for what was missing, because it is healed. It has grieved the metaphorical loss of the person that brought you into this world, while simultaneously being able to send them love and light for being that vessel
It gives you new life because you no longer feel lack but instead abundance in knowing that all things considered, you are your own person and you can forgive and move on in peace and be liberated.
