You ever feel like you are the only one that has to be experiencing something? “No one could ever understand this circumstance because it is so unique to me.” Or even just felt like you couldn’t share something because at every corner you are waiting for someone to say, “I told you so”. Its no secret that my husband and I were on the fast track to marriage. What if I told you, the troubles we experienced at the beginning were not just unique to us, but were expressed as normal by some of the most long-term married couples I also personally know? What if I told you, many of the strongest couples you see today almost failed early on, had early discussion about divorce because things felt too hard or even separated for a period of time?
They have all expressed that marriage is no fairy-tale. Even the seemingly most happy and content couples you see in real life and on social media, yes they go through major trials too. They don’t tell you about what you don’t see because, every couple wants to preserve their image and it’s just not a social norm to air our dirty laundry in an already over sharey world. We share all the good, but not the bad, right? We have learned through this social media age if nothing else, we get more likes, more accolades and more of “oh I want what you have” or “let me show you how good I got it” and the validation that we tend to desire. This is why I don’t keep social media for showing off my life in that way, this blog will tell the truth. The messy is left behind closed doors and in the constraints of our quiet lives unless we are in some really scary relationship places, with people who bring so much hurt to your life you can’t hide it if you tried.
There is a middle though, there is a difficult part in all relationship and marriages that we don’t show the world because, its just not something we do. We hardly talk openly about it because, we want to preserve an image of others or ourselves. We decide that we will just make decisions without consulting others that are further in their journey on a similar path we have walked out of fear of judgment, or God knows what. However, I learned quickly that I am so not alone as a newlywed in the issues my husband and I are going through.
Let’s talk about living together the first year, and blending a family, fears and fights. Lets talk about the fact that you have no control over what happens in the other home as a blended family, and those fears of your children out of your sight can drain you. Lets talk about the fact that some standards are just completely unhealthy and unrealistic to have of your spouse. Lets talk about hate and resentment because you have said hurtful things to each other with less than authentic apology. One being a bedtime snuggler, the other not…one needing more adventure, the other content to stay at home. Get into the issues you might have with In-Laws and how they’ve hurt you. Lets talk about all of this because for the first time, my married friends who have been in the game for a decade or more have experienced these same things, yet somehow made it to the other side. I was clueless that the things I was going through, were very common. It will feel like your love is on life support sometimes.
So lets get into some of the wisdom they have given me and that we can all use because, sometimes no one else is talking about it. Sometimes we come from broken families, thinking brokenness will be our fate. Sometimes we don’t even want to change because we have no real example of what that looks like. We can watch red pill and pink pill videos all day and still be lost in the sauce because, though some of their advice is practical, some of these people didn’t stay in marriage or decided they just want to shame people to get themselves to fame.
On Filling Emotional Needs
We have been gifted, throughout our lives, an opportunity to build strong partnerships and emotional bonds with people. Sometimes family and sometimes friends. While this changes to some degree when you get married so that you can have that space for your partner, you don’t just give it up outright. You don’t just “peace-out” everyone and put all your emotional eggs in your partners basket because guess what, they are human too, with emotions too and they go through hard things too. The bible does talk about leaving your mother and father and for good reason. You are making a covenant with your husband between you, him and God. So when you have any fourth layer in that your dependence is elsewhere. Your loyalty is elsewhere. When you are most vulnerable in your marriage, which happens to both men and women, if you keep going back to the partner that is doing anything to make this be, how can they simultaneously still fill your needs? No one can do that but God or relationship to others, or giving you and your partner time until you can communicate on it in a healthy manner.
You have to get your mental game on point to understand and remember your partner has feelings too and to put your every emotional demand on them is foolish. One of my closest friends put it this way…your partner is there to hold your hand and walk your journey with you, but the only one who can carry you is God. Some might really disagree with this, and I understand because this was me for the longest time. Then I realized, this kills intimacy, this was just leaving me in more and more want of something my husband wasn’t designed to do. How can I be both mad at you and expect you to make me feel better? I have learned, I have to deal with myself while I am upset because that is in my power and my responsibility. I am not in control of what my husband does, but I am in control of how I respond. When I am knocked to my knees in anger or sadness, especially if it was something I felt he had done (blame), my saving grace is to go inward, go to friends and go to people that have no sword in the fight, or turn to God. Two people with swords in their hands will fight until either can put down their own sword. Spiritual armor can strengthen us though. We can never ask the other to do that. We can’t disarm another, but we can disarm ourselves. Even disarming comes with more combat.
On Expectations
Some of this was part of the above. However, if we really think about it…we are taught to keep our head high and expectations higher. Now, there are always some basic expectations to bring to your relationship, and that will be different for everyone. However, we cannot be fooled by what we see on TV, in Movies and what we see on Social Media. It doesn’t stop there, books too! Romance novels are filled with expectations! We grow up having dreams of our Prince Charming. Listen, you will find someone just for you, but you can’t mold or change them into anything. It could take a lot of time to find that someone and that is okay. However, once we start putting years of expectations, taking things we liked in other relationships and trying to impose our will on our partner to be like that…let me tell you that is straight up “danger-zone!”.
Not only that, whether we actively notice it or not, our participation even in the smallest capacity, on social media, can have some impact on our standards too. Without realizing it, we begin to envision ourselves in someone else’s “reality” or space and try on their life for size. Then our reality well, is what it is, and we find ourselves in FOMO or comparison mindset. This is unhealthy too. Look, not a single one of us is perfect and we are all flawed. When you meet someone, you are making a decision to do life with that person and hold hands on your journey. You are not in “build-a-man” factory. Even when you do, you have to ask yourself, are the changes I am seeing in my man ones that I even really wanted? I will be honest, my husband would do most reasonable things I would ask of him as expectations and we were miserable for it because, it didn’t come from him, it came from me. We are different and that is okay. If I wanted a clone of myself, I would stay alone, if I wanted what someone else had, I would go get someone like that, if I wanted what my exes gave me, they wouldn’t be exes. Simply put, I expect my husband to be who he is and who he was when I met him, while we continue to grow together.
We both knew we had a true guiding north in God, when we met each other. Finding someone going in the same direction as you, you will naturally mature you and you will grow and evolve together. Should you change, it is through that process and as you get to know each others desires over time. You grow a boy, not a man. Last I checked, we’re not out here marrying boys. If we are choosing wisely and are mature ourselves, we will find something similar. It is when we are choosing people from trauma, from insecurity or from something in ourselves that is not yet healed that we might pick someone that we need to change. Lets focus that energy inward, before we do so outward…then watch we attract. I attracted a good man, at the end of the day, but there were clearly some expectations I needed to detach from and vice versa.
On Identity and Losing Yourself
Have you ever heard that song I’m Your Puppet, by James and Bobby Purify?
My husband and I both made the mistake of almost losing our own individual identity. Though when you do get married, you become one, you are merely strengthened by finding the other person and not meant to undo and lose what you are in order to fulfill that calling. This was something I was misguided on from my last blog on “Then I Became A Wife”. The reality is I am learning to be HIS wife. We found ourselves reading books, listening to sermons, taking courses and none of them would ever teach me how to be HIS wife or teach him how to be MY husband. At the end of the day, we are uniquely us, and I will learn to be his wife over time. We can take so and so’s advice or listen to what Mel Robbins or other amazing authors, writers, directors and such have to say, but they don’t live with my husband, I do. They don’t know my ways, he does.
While some things are just universal wisdom, there just isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach.
Anything I am hearing now from married couples is communication is essential, knowing yourself is essential and if you are a faith-based person there is only one place we get our identity from anyways and that is Christ. When you just focus on being the best version of yourself, not what someone else tells you to do or be, many things fall into place. Worry about yourself and what you are doing. Allow your partner to do the same and don’t forget that you two uniquely came together as you were. While over time, things like your love language might change, or your likes, wants and desires, having strong roots in the ground of your character actually provide you and your partner stability to build from. There can be renewal and the sun will rise again.
At the end of the day, I learned that we did a lot wrong because, we just didn’t know. The beautiful thing is, marriage offers us the chance to stick together and figure it out. We have already chosen each other and in knowing we were brought together by God, we continue to allow Him to change our hearts, to take heed to his design for marriage and to give each other room to fail and grow. Marriage will always be under attack by the enemy because it is a picture of God’s love for Mankind. From the union brings life blessed by God.
While there are a few circumstances that allow us to move on from marriage, simple-minded things just can’t be it. The foundation you build on must be strong, made of concrete and not sand. Trust me when I say, if you got a faulty start because of some of the wrong ideals you had, you can get it right, and it takes work. Ask you friends to pray for you, to share their stories, to understand when you are a mess because you are figuring it out. Marriage will always take work, but the beauty is a life-long companion that will know you know you so intimately and vice versa, and still love you.
This is as close as you can get to Gods love for you. If you come together for the right reasons, maintain realistic romantic expectations and carry a great level of respect and love for your partner, while maintaining healthy communication, space, and embrace how you will change…you have some of the most important recipes. Read on to learn more...
No matter where you are on your life journey, taking the scenic route or diving in, just know you are never alone and I hope someone understands this as they go through tough seasons in marriage. There is another side and more often than not every marriage will go through those seasons. Be better, together, for it.
