When we were younger, we were always taught to “say sorry” when we had hurt someone’s feelings or if someone felt we wronged them in some way. Being taught this at an early age was wonderful and important, however, did we truly understand not only the importance of an apology, but how it is delivered?
I know a few people who apologize for everything and then some who don’t apologize at all. While apologies are essential, they should also be reserved for times they are sincere and genuine, not just because someone has said they deserve one. There have been times in my life where I have been told “I think you should apologize to me”, by my mother. This was something I had eventually picked up on as a behavior to demand apologies from others. However, that is not how an apology works. I had known how to apologize myself, but how I expected others to do so was how my mother expected me to do it. Demanding is not the way.
When something is demanded of you, it’s typically won’t come from a place of authenticity when it is delivered.
In order for us to show respect to our relationships and to most anyone we cross paths with should we want to live authentically and have that reciprocated, appropiate and timely apologies are necessary. While anyone can utter the words “sorry”, the method and actions that follow will really determine its merit.
A few things I think we should consider to truly apologize from an authentic place.
1. Have Something to Be Sorry For
If someone is demanding an apology of you, where you really don’t feel you did anything wrong, sure you can apologize, but it won’t be authentic. Here, you are just going to have to step outside of yourself and show empathy to an individual to apologize for a perceived hurt they have experienced. If you care enough to really understand them, I would ask more questions to get to the root of why they are hurt as to understand how they perceived you wronged them so that in the future should the issue arise again, you have experience and understanding. Otherwise, don’t go throwing around “sorry” for no reason. It loses its value and meaning when you do so.
2. Make it Personal
Whomever you are apologizing to, address exactly what you’re apologizing for whether right away or once a lot of time has passed. If your apology is generic or impersonal, you can bet that relationship will be too if it isn’t already. It also doesn’t hurt to know your partners love language and use that to leverage your apology.
For me that looks like flowers and hot Cheetos.
3. Do It In Person or Over The Phone
These days, we’ve been so far removed from intimate connection with social media and text messaging. I appreciate that my partner wanted to talk and apologize in person to me where he was wrong. If you can’t do it in person, pick up the phone and if you can’t pick up the phone I’d recommend waiting until you can actually talk to the person so that all elements can be considered such as tone, etc.
4. Do Better
We are always going to slip up, but after you have apologized to someone, it’s time to go inward to see what caused you to do that action that hurt them and figure out ways that you can do better. There have been times someone had apologized to me and the offense was so questionable that it took me a long time to trust that person again. Vice versa, I have had to check myself when I have apologized for crappy behavior. If the behavior is reoccurring , the apology may or may not be genuine. People don’t change overnight, but some level of improvement should be obvious.
When I think of my journey, and where it is today, I have to thank my partner and friends along the way for giving me the gift of understanding what a sincere apology looks like and feels like. When I consider how I will teach my son how to apologize, I feel like these elements will help him feel empowered by how much weight those 5 letters have and it will be used and intended for its ultimate purpose.
